Long post ahead.
First and foremost, Bismillahirahmanirrahim. I would like to introduce our second addition to the Radzli clan – Riz Johann Mohd Radzli.
Segala puji bagi Allah, the greatest of all planners. Qada and Qadar is always in His hands, no matter how you think u’ve had it planned perfectly.
Riz means enthusiasm, Johann means winner. May you turn out to be enthusiastic in everything you do and come out as a winner in every way. aminn.
Birth trauma really does exist. For me, the trauma lasted all the way up to the birth of RJ. I was scared to conceive but I know Tia must not be the only child and she needs someone to spend her childhood years with. I was even more scared of childbirth because delivering Tia was such a bad experience that I was relieved to be given a general anaesthesia just to get her out of me.
I expected a lot back then, and that taught me not to expect anything at all this time around and just leave it to the hands of Allah. He will sort things out, good or bad.
My second pregnancy was very different, very uneventful. Never once i went back home with bad news from the hospital. I guess it helps to have a good obsgyn look after you, one who is calm and perhaps knows which complication is petty and which is important to be revealed to his patients. I wasnt very determined to do VBAC, and we were prepared for the worst case scenario, not because we were being negative, but just to prepare ourselves on what could happen. miracles are miracles. it may come or it may not. a csect date was given on the 22/11/13 but if anything happens before that, i will be reassessed and another decision is to be made at that point.
Fate has it that at 1am on 20/11/13..i felt a normal painless contraction in my sleep and then pop! and water flowed like tap from ze vjj. hehe. with that pop, the surprised me literally popped out of bed. and water just flowed down my legs. uh oh. nudged my sleeping husband. I think my water broke….it’s all over the bed and floor. ew. husband said we have to get to the hospital. what remained in my mind was..where’s the pain? (after they manually broke my waterbag last birth the pain was the most terrible thing ive felt in the whole world).
KPJ Ampang Puteri is just 2 mins away from home, especially when it was in the middle of the night. we registered at the emergency dept and i was wheeled straight to the labor room. One big, quiet room all to ourselves for the rest of the labour (if it’s natural birth). The nurse asked if there was any pain..and i said no. I did not panicked though, who cares if there isnt any pain or i’m not dilating..theyre going to cut me up n take the baby out anyway. Contractions twice every 10 minutes..signalling that they are real ones. VE was done..not very pleasant. the nurse had fat fingers and a why-am-i-oncall-tonight face. Dilated 3-4cm. eh really? where’s the pain?
CTG on. contractions still twice every 10 minutes. baby’s heart rate doing fine. baby’s sleeping. guess he didn’t know what’s coming. 3-4cm dilated and yet he is still not engaged.
Then at around 3am…there was pain. mild, tolerable. not those gruesome, moaning pain i had last time. I closed my eyes. I cant remember what I read in the Mongan Method hypnobirthing book. cloud? okay. I’m lying on a pile of cloud, letting my arms sink in the fluffiness, feel my body grow heavy into the fluffiness..yoga breathing, ok. deep breath in, full stomach. out, compress stomach, slowlyy. did this everytime i felt a wave of pain which comes with the contractions. at one point i thought i cant really take it. motioned husband to come nearer. what in the world was he doing sitting in an armchair a feet away? gripped his hand real tight everytime a contraction comes and felt a lot better. His hand took away a lot of the pain.
The nurse came in saying she had called up Dr Ashar and he said he’ll come over in the morning for the csect. but if i’m progressing fast before the morning comes…please attempt a VBAC.
T____T i did not really prepare myself for a VBAC…i dont even know how to push..i just read a teeny bit of the hypnobirthing book and set it aside! argh.
An hour after the pain become a bit more intolerable..on a scale of 10, i would choose the score of 6. husband beckoned the nurse to check my opening again. 6-7cm. and guess what. baby’s head finally engaged. -1/5. what! omg i need epidural! what about my epidural? i asked the nurse to call for an epidural.few minutes later i was already crying in pain. what took the anaes so loong?? i was attempting to crush husband’s hand. he was raining encouragement kisses on my forehead. she came back and check ve again. 7-8cm. “er…macam dah lambat la pulak untuk epidural…” okay…not again. this is not happening again. i demanded for it to be done..NOW *nanges*
While waiting for the anaes to come, the pain was overwhelming. I was progressing pretty quick and crushing hubby’s hand and squeezing my eyes shut and doing crazy yoga breathing. the cloud i was imagining didnt seem so fluffly anymore. i tried to imagine the baby moving towards an opening at the end of a tunnel. baca doa Nabi Yunus over and over. and my ray of light waltzed into the room with the cocktail drug called epidural. heheh (pls be reminded that i share the same birthday with madonna and we’re not interested in attempting to be superwomen in the labor room. hence the drugs must be there. lol)
|still in paainn|
Epidural in after much struggle. I felt a few pokes on my back cuz the contractions came too frequent and i cant sit still. I have to trust the anaes, he seemed like a good doctor. he was all bubbly and jolly, making it less stressful. oh may i add no annoying person tempting me to punch him elaborating on the side effects of the procedure by my side this time:) he set the epidural dose low cuz he said otherwise i wouldnt know when to push. it took some of the pain away. i asked to increase a liiitle bit more. and the pain goes away. seriously. what wonder drug is that (morphine cocktail lah)? and what’s left is the urge to…..poop.
Modesty totally taken away. I was a bit confused. so do i poop? do i push? is this the urge to poop for real or to push? so the whole time after that was spent holding in my ‘poop’. all through dawn. heard the azan for subuh..my doctor arrived and calmly asked if i’m doing okay. he disappeared..then i heard the midwife telling me firmly..”ok time to push. pushhhhhhh!” “poop it out! I’m not here! just do it! pushhhh”
fine i’ll just poop it out. hoping the earlier fleet solution really did its job. but this is one nasty poop. i myself never really push on my poop. and then mixed feelings come. am i not supposed to push? something like breathe the baby out? then the midwife urged me to push some more. the baby’s head is popping in and out..not passing through…one big breath and dont let go, just pushhhh. doctor’s now sitting in front of me ready to receive the baby. think the head passed thru…and i felt something like little fingers moving against my vjj. impossible the baby is like halfway out with free fingers. i dont know what that is lah til now. then doctor asked me to stop pushing, he pulled baby out, i feel so relived.. and i hear that cry. the cry u always watch on tv when a lady gives birth. the cry which i thought only yesterday i would never get to experience. the cry that confirms that a new life has made it into the world..a cry which confirms that you, as a mom..has made it. Alhamdulillah.
|Baby RJ being cleaned up|
And then comes that scene that i have missed out on..or some people say robbed from when i had tia..when they put RJ on my chest for some skin to skin time..he was stil crying, all covered in vernix and blood. I saw one of his eyes open, looked at me. I’m in love. instantly. my little boy is finally here…u have no idea how long mommy has been waiting for you:)
Spent a couple of minutes of skin to skin again while doctor stitched me up. he didnt get a chance to do an episiotomy, so i ended up with a 2nd degree tear. I dont really know which one is better. tear of episiotomy. doctor said cheerfully “I xsempat buat episiotomy..tapi setengah orang prefer tear drpd episiotomy. this should heal in one to two weeks”. He finished suturing, shaked hands saying congratulations and left us to recuperate a bit.
|did not forget my phone:)|
So that was how baby Riz Johann came into the world. it was a gentle birth for me, alhamdulillah. there wasnt any crazy moanings involved, no panicky doctors (the anaes was talking bout going fishing) or housmen explaining any side effects by my side. no screamings of other mothers in labor heard from my labor room. I can concentrate on my breathing, I can find my husband’s hand without anyone in scrubs in the way..and keep myself calm the whole way through. and because of that, i believe, played a big part in my successful VBAC. Dr Ashar has set a good vibe right from the beginning up til the end. May Allah bless him and his family.
Overall, I am amazed at how my pain was under control and nicely managed this time, how late it came in and how fast He took it away from me. I know my mom has been praying hard for me to be able to do normal delivery. she made me water to drink and something to bathe in. but it’s not that. i believe it’s a mother’s effort and prayer that did it. I certainly do not deserve all of this for all the sins that i have done..but she certainly does deserve to have her wish granted. i guess it’s pure love for her children..and an inspiration to me when i bring up my own kids in the future…
It is day 6 now, and i’m healing very well. for all VBAC attemptees (is that a word?) that has asked me to review whats it like to do a VBAC..well, it was horrifying and depressing to have a first glimpse of miss v for the first time after the delivery. perhaps as horrifying as u see that skin flap over ur csect wound for the first time. but no worries, it will shrink back to normal. not normal normal i presume:( but it wont be as swollen forever. being able to poop for the first time is the BEST accomplishment ever. and the following sessions wont be so bad. hehe. whats cool is that i can lie on my front without thinking of ripping open my scar. walking kena kepit2 but after day 4 despite my tear…it feels better. so its true i guess, normal delivery is better than csect anytime. it’s what our body is meant to do. and it’s important to have a confident doctor who is experienced enough to predict which one is best for you.
Lastly, while some people think its good to be determined for something, but to me i prefer to walk into the hospital without firm expectations…ur story might just have a good ending to it:) I did not attempt any exercise or do anything. because i know, no matter how much effort u put in, the final decision belongs to Him. i went to yoga once cuz my backache was a bit crazy. but thats it. hehe.
It’s been a long post, and i hope i have covered it all for memories sake, and for those who r interested or curious to know. I am not here to insist that VBAC is so good everyone should attempt it. but I would say to leave it to God, cuz He’s got it. He has it all planned out. u’re either lucky or ure not. but it’s its good to try if u can, cuz like me, if u dont try you wont know if ure actualy capable or not.
So here’s to a new journey, daddy radzli and i being parents of two. we hope our children to be in the pink of health and that we get to cherish and spend the longest time with these lives that Allah has loaned to us.
|The introduction. TJ, meet ur lil brother RJ.|
|officially upgraded to big sister!|
|Our very first family pic. all four of us:)|
Til then, have a great week ahead!