My application for transfer was approved and I’ve been working at this new place since mid November.

I am no longer working in a hospital, now in a division. an office. doing administrative work. I no longer face patients everyday, the same environment for 5 long years. No more oncalls which means no more overnights/away time from Tiana. and no more fighting for leaves over 30 other colleagues (fiy only 5 people out of 30 gets to take leave each day), no more worrying about the doubtful, sarcastic glare of the officer in charge of leaves (this feels so satisfying haha:)

That’s enough now. so am I happy? yes I am at the moment. and i hope i dont jinx anything by putting this down.politics are everywhere, and i can see it even on the first week i am here. I will try to be neutral. I am happy because this is probably the best job i can find next to being a stay at home mom. I need more time with Tia. i need more time as a mom. and i don’t want her to grow up with an almost non-existent mom.

If anyone knows me very well I don’t have this very strong drive to be a career woman. since i was in uni i was already not enjoying the course i took.I would go all out to make time for some part time dancing. at that point of time i really wanted to do it professionally. now that i am a little bit more mature…good thing that did not end up as my bread and butter. you cant be dancing at the age of 40 can you? expired, so called. but i’ve had  a great experience nonetheless.Now that i’m a mom, my view towards my career still have not changed. still not enjoying work, and i find my mind mostly left at home, with Tiana.

I do admire people with ‘burning desires’ for their jobs. wake up every morning feeling excited for work. I wake up every morning worrying if Tia will be alright the 8 hours that i’ll be away, and if my parents are ok with me passing my own responsibilities to them when they’re at their retirement age. Everytime my maid calls me my mind would imagine the wildest things…tia not breathing. tia fell down and knock her head. tia got a burnt cuz she carries tia near the stove. and one fateful day i came back and found an open fire on our house stove while my maid is taking care of tia. That absolutely DID NOT HELP with my worries. my maid apologized for her carelessness. forgetting to switch off the gas stove. But i dont think this type of carelessness is ever permissible. Being the paranoid mother i am, i have banned her near the stove during office hours since then.

Nowadays i’ve been thinking of some long term plans. in 3 years Tia will be going to school. do i expect my parents to send n pick her up? to prepare her lunchbox like my mom did for me last time? to dress her up for school and tie her pigtails? I have always dreamed of tying her hair into french braids when she goes to school in the future.

Perhaps quitting work would be a bad choice. children grow up into adolescents and during that phase they will hate to have their mothers breathing down their necks. I foresee my SAHM self getting worked up when my daughter says she hates me for not giving her enough freedom. and for turning to her friends instead of me when she has a problem. not trusting my knowledge enough to ask me to help her with homework. but then again if i do stil work at that time, God knows who she will date and where she will go with her then boyfriend while i’m at work, finding money to provide the family. so which one is better? 

This career mom thing is still very new to me. takes forever to get adjusted to it. I grew up with my mom always being there for me. I have no guidance in this multitasking job.It’s either i push it and see what happens, and be able to guide my daughter in the future or just give up. but i cant do that. I cant put more burden on my husband’s shoulders. or think of a way to be able to do both. I do have some plans in mind, and i need to buck up and do it in max 3 years time. i’ve even hint discussed it with husband. boleh ke? we shall see. I hope Allah sees my vision and gives me His blessings.

Well I guess that should be enough mommy blabs and solo debates for today. Till next post.

Love, Sabby